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I don't even have a title for this post cause I am just blank.

To sum up the last month is to say it hasn't been easy. Andryusha got sick right after the last post and alas I followed him. It's been 3 months since the last time we were sick (longest since transplant) and I was once again miserable to the point I had to see my oncologist. The old meds didn't work so he gave me a new prescription which finally got me over he hump. I also had troubles deciding on what drugs are better in my situation (I thought I had a choice) then to my surprise I found the office of endocrinologist was reluctant to give me infusion for the bone density; I felt they were pushing HRT (hormone replacement therapy) on me, which I wasn't ready for so I ended up contacting Patient Advocates as I could not play any back and forth games anymore. Finally, last Monday I had the infusion and has been in mild to moderate pain since then. Last Tuesday I had a fever but thanks to Raymond who quickly remembered to give me pain and fever reducers and it went away quickly. Now I am just dealing with the bone pain which brings bad memories of chemo; however, I am sort of happy to know the medicine is doing its work so I am just slowly recovering from it all. I've been very fatigued to say the least and since infusion I could not really sleep even with the sleeping pills. I just feel wired and restless while being really tired and wanting to sleep.

On the emotional side, I've been having a roller coaster as well... for one, I didn't have good fasting this year being sick and preoccupied with decisions. In my pre-cancer life I loved fasting as it offered me more time to meditate, pray and work on my relationship with God; I thought I could still have the spiritual aspect without the physical fasting but they truly go hand in hand. Then Naw-Ruz, the Baha'i New Year, came on March 21 and it brought me happiness as we spent 2 days with our dearest friend of 15 years whom we haven't seen for ages. We've known her before Raymond and I got married -- and that was a long time ago! In fact, time is an interesting phenomena - I feel it wasn't too long ago that I graduated from high school but at a closer look it's been 14 years ago; and I suspect it will not be long before I see Andryusha do the same. He is now 2.5 years old and fun as ever. Any pain I may have subsides when he calls me 'mamochka' and some nights it's him who tells me to sleep, sings and caresses my hair (what we usually do to put him to sleep). He casually says he's going to miss me as he climbs the playground and blows kisses going down the slide. And during these moments I realize that I can take all pain in the world just to be around for him. It's all well worth it in the end.

Oh, another interesting time nugget: I've been keeping this blog for 2 years now! What originally started as short updates turned into informative cancer treatment diary and surviving struggles filled with emotions of life. I hope to be of inspiration to those battling and those healthy. About a year ago I added a counter and even though I am not a very prolific poster (about once a month now) this blog has been visited to date almost 10,000 times. Thank you!

Wow... this is getting too long ... kudos to those of you who got through my entire post :) I am on to filing taxes and carrying on with life!
Texas Bluebonnets New Year '08
One of those moments ....