Slowing down … again

Well, things can’t be going good all the time, especially in our scenario, right?
That’s what I tell myself to keep it cool and collected. I saw my transplant oncologist on Tuesday and the donor transplant idea came up again and the conversation left me worried. I thought we had a plan where I am getting a transplant in a few weeks and it turns out that it’s all subject to change. Basically, next week I am going for scans and as long as the mass is shrinking (and I am sure it will move at least a mm down) I will be getting one more round of IGeV (so 4 more days in the hospital!). How naïve of me to think I was done with chemos! This also means that the transplant itself is at least a month away from now. My BMT oncologist seriously believes I am a good candidate for donor transplant – he says patients who can’t achieve remission with chemos or take really long to get there (like myself) are really ought to go for allo. Some new study results suggest that a jump straight to allo may be better for the long term cure that dragging though each possible chemo and transplant first. Of course, results are better if patient has been in remission when going for the transplant. So I was somewhat disturbed by this new information. Then I was fixed on wanting to know how well I did this last round – turns out my insurance only pays for a PET scan once a month and I just had one 2 weeks ago. Then I talked to my lymphoma oncologist and he brought peace back to me. I have to let go any kind of forecasting and planning. I just need to think about now and today. Without saying it out loud I felt his determination to get me in remission one way or another and go for auto transplant (my own one). He says he is aware of the study but didn’t want to comment much about it and how I fit into it. He just said: “Let’s see how you do next week and we’ll go from there.” Sometimes, it feels like being an analyst at my work made me plan and analyze, and read into things too much. It’s hard to just live in today when you wonder about the consequences and outcomes. BUT, I AM TRYING.