special day today

Life is amazing ... today is our 10 year Anniversary and not even in my wildest dreams would I imagine my today's condition. I envisioned how we would have a grand party and dressed in full white we would renew our simple vows: "We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God" under the famous Beatles' song "All you need is LOVE". I was even going to try to fit into my wedding dress... we would dance and celebrate into the night the very special gift of marriage. And yet today, I am just getting strong enough to walk (though my knees hurt tremendously) and our grand affair will culminate as simple romantic dinner for two. So I have a good incentive to make it another 10 years to properly celebrate our 20 year anniversary … I’ll be 38 then and may be I can still fit in my dress – I kept it all these years – I better use it again! The key though is that I want to have enough energy to dance with my beloved men… in ten years Andryusha may be as tall as I and my handsome Raymond may be silver headed!

Apart from the special day, during the chemo weekend I’ve gone to be totally bald … it was very sad ... I’ve cried my share and I am now over it (tell me if you want to see the scary pictures ... I am not sure anyone would want to, except for my neighbor who loves me being bald). Anyway, somehow, I see being bald as a symbol of cancer being gone. I really feel confident that this time there is not one cancer cell alive. I am almost dead so cancer better be dead... really, I am paying such a high price – my body is completely worn out, I don’t think I can take any more chemos so this better be it. I have to save my energy for the Moster Chemo (BEAM) that’s part of the transplant. I am ready to fight it – I need to be done with the transplant by October 3 – Andryusha’s 1st birthday. Gosh, it’s hard to believe I’ve been in such deep mess for almost a year!

So here is to many more cancer-free anniversaries and birthdays!