special day today

Life is amazing ... today is our 10 year Anniversary and not even in my wildest dreams would I imagine my today's condition. I envisioned how we would have a grand party and dressed in full white we would renew our simple vows: "We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God" under the famous Beatles' song "All you need is LOVE". I was even going to try to fit into my wedding dress... we would dance and celebrate into the night the very special gift of marriage. And yet today, I am just getting strong enough to walk (though my knees hurt tremendously) and our grand affair will culminate as simple romantic dinner for two. So I have a good incentive to make it another 10 years to properly celebrate our 20 year anniversary … I’ll be 38 then and may be I can still fit in my dress – I kept it all these years – I better use it again! The key though is that I want to have enough energy to dance with my beloved men… in ten years Andryusha may be as tall as I and my handsome Raymond may be silver headed!

Apart from the special day, during the chemo weekend I’ve gone to be totally bald … it was very sad ... I’ve cried my share and I am now over it (tell me if you want to see the scary pictures ... I am not sure anyone would want to, except for my neighbor who loves me being bald). Anyway, somehow, I see being bald as a symbol of cancer being gone. I really feel confident that this time there is not one cancer cell alive. I am almost dead so cancer better be dead... really, I am paying such a high price – my body is completely worn out, I don’t think I can take any more chemos so this better be it. I have to save my energy for the Moster Chemo (BEAM) that’s part of the transplant. I am ready to fight it – I need to be done with the transplant by October 3 – Andryusha’s 1st birthday. Gosh, it’s hard to believe I’ve been in such deep mess for almost a year!

So here is to many more cancer-free anniversaries and birthdays!

update + please help in any way you can

I just got some blood transfusion and feel pretty perky and awake (I was down and weak since yesterday and after vomiting unexpectedly I ended up sleeping most of the day - I am doing ok now).

So here is latest update: Last Monday I ended up collecting some more cells (I guess the doctors felt my fear that it was not enough) and now I have 4.9 mln cells frozen and waiting for me whenever I am ready (a little short of the target of 5 mln but oh well...). They will test them to see if they have any bacteria or virus since I was so sick during collection and if there is infection then I'll get some strong antibiotics at the time of stem cell infusion. So I am stuck with my cells and I'll "reap the harvest I've sown" (Pink Floyd) :)

Apart from that, I saw my oncologist (Dr. Hagemeister) - he is indeed a genius, I am so fascinated with his talks and wish I could attend his lectures some day. He ordered full restaging scans after this chemo and we should know the results of the 2 IGeVs in about 3 weeks. He also touched my heart by saying Raymond 'is a good man for me' - I could not get a better compliment!

And last, but not least I'd like to ask for help for a girl in NY - she needs a donor from her ethnic background - Ashkenazi Jews ( details are here: http://www.alesecoco.org/lindsey.html ). Even if you can spread the link around that would be fantastic! THANK YOU!!!

pics

at least enjoy 2 news pics of Andryusha and aged Raymond and ugly new me and keep us in your prayers and thoughts.

I’ve been in HELL …

…. I am glad to be coming out of it. Remember I told you IGeV was the best chemo I’ve had … and I wondered why did they give me ESHAP first when it was so much harder that IGeV. Well, I know now – the hard way. They warned me the biggest side effect is low low counts and that I’d need transfusions to avoid bleeding and major infections. Well, I got it last Friday … then Saturday I felt some scratchy throat and weakness; then Sunday I knew I was coming down with flu. My Monday counts also went up and they said I am ready to be pherised (collect stem cells) so Tuesday I came back even though I still felt sick and I had a temperature. By the end of the day I was a major disaster with a fever and non stop runny nose and congestion. Oh, yes – another juicy nugget some might enjoy – I’ve been giving Neupogen shots to myself twice a day and the amount of lower body pain I’ve had can amount to a birth of another baby. So with the Neupogen shots and prior chemos I could not get anything over the counter and Raymond left my doc a message on Wednesday pleading for help. The protocol is to go to Emergency if I was over 101.0 but I was on the border below. Anyway, I got some antibiotics on Thursday and with continued rubs I am now much better. The bad news is I don’t know if I managed to collect enough of cells. I need 5 million so I really thought I would rock this in 2-3 days, yet I kept declining every day. And as of yesterday I only had 4 million. They gave me FOUR shots yesterday in hopes I’d do better today. But honestly, I don’t know. I did only 0.5 mln yesterday and I don’t know if I came up today … I have temperature, low blood pressure, high pulse and headache… I fear for the quality of the cells -- I don’t want my sick cells back any more! So that’s that … I don’t know what they will want to do. I’ll see the SCT guy on Tuesday and will update you then (and somewhere next week I am supposed to get another IGeV even though the mass didn’t shrink … I am so afraid of what will happen after it … will I die of chemo? I’d rather die of chemo than cancer …